Shrinking Mommy

I've decided that it would be a good idea for me to see a therapist for a while. Not because I think I'm not doing as well as can be given my recent circumstances, but primarily to have someone with whom to discuss the existential challenges of this new life.

I've found that getting into therapy is no easy task. Of course there is the economic factor and the reality that most of the good practicing clinicians in the area are 1) people I know or 2) people with whom I have clients in common. So, last week, I jumped for an appointment when a person I respect suggested a name I did not know.

I was excited about the prospect of my first appointment. How hard could this be?  I wasn't looking for analytic probing of my deep, dark, past. I really only needed a good, reflective listener.

I was more nervous that I expected. I really didn't want to run into a client and found myself wearing my sunglasses in the waiting room while I filled out my paperwork. What? Who am I? It's not like I'm going in for a nose job. Once seated in the therapist's office, and through the initial rigmarole, I was asked about why I was there. I surprised myself in that I had a brief moment of terror. I couldn't quite get the words out and thought, "Now is when I'm going to really lose it." I was sure I was going to dissolve into a puddle of tears. But I didn't. I did fine. But then...

In the course of 45 minutes, the therapist suggested all of the following:

• I must be feeling incredibly guilty for infecting my daughter with CMV
• I might need to swaddle my baby to make her feel more comfortable
• This is hard, but it's only going to get worse as Keira becomes more and more different from her peers and other people don't know how to deal with her
• I might need to stay home more, as sensory issues make it really difficult for babies to process information
• My boys may well be feeling neglected and I need to be sure to spend one on one time with them lest they need to be in therapy of their own soon
• Exercise is not self-care enough. I should probably be meditating or sitting by the river.

I really tried to give this person the benefit of the doubt. Really, I did. I tried to redirect, "I understand that. In fact, those are the kinds of things I worry about incessantly. All in all, I'm doing okay there. The reason I'm here is to process the meaning of all of this for who I am and what it means for my life."

Unfortunately, this fell on dead ears.

Welp, I did get my money's worth in reminders of how important it is to let the client lead and to use basic reflective listening techniques. Good grief.

Still looking for a shrink...