Over the past nine months, I’ve been initiated into a whole
new way of being. As author Emily Rapp said, I immediately had the sense that I
needed to “make my world big” for the sake of my daughter and myself. The
befuddling question of what to say or not say, do or not do when someone you
know faces a tragedy is something we all face at one time or another. By
experiencing the comforts that the community has provided and, in return,
making myself available to others in times of need, this is what I have
learned:
1. Let them know how what they are going
through affects you.
I have been surprised to find that the most
uplifting thing has been simply being made aware that other people are thinking
about us, want to know what’s going on, and feel connected to us in some way.
Do not underestimate the value in that. A quick note or call saying that you’ve
heard what’s happened and are wondering what it’s like and how things are going
can go a long way in helping someone feel more secure.
2. Be specific about how you can help.
In crisis, finding help and delegating
people to help satisfy basic needs can be a full time job in itself. Resist the
fear of offering something “silly” and make known what you’re actually willing
to do. I can’t tell you how many times that’s helped me. For example: watch the
kids, pick up my dry cleaning, pay for a week’s groceries, fill my gas tank,
clean my toilets, fold my laundry, watch my dog, make some phone calls, let me
take a nap, bring me a meal, etc. I’m much more likely to take you up on a
specific offer than, for example, ask you to do my laundry if you’ve simply
said, “Call me if you need anything.” Also, let me know the level of your
availability and/or commitment. For example: Thursday afternoon, every Thursday afternoon, 6-8 am, next
weekend, etc.
3. Be there when the “crisis” is over.
The first few days and weeks are bubbling
and exciting, always waiting for new progress and information to arise.
However, the adjustment lasts far longer than the initial commotion. Let me
know you’re there, even after 3 months, 6 months, when the help seems to be
dissipating, but may still be needed.
4. Don’t err on the side of caution.
Too many friends have been so afraid to say
“the wrong thing” that they say nothing. This, cumulatively, feels lonely. The
most heartfelt and thoughtful messages I have received in the past months have
been from distant relatives, friends, and acquaintances who are watching from afar.
5. Ask questions.
I’m dying to talk about what’s happening in
my new world. But I worry that you’re sick of hearing about it. When you ask
the basic, “How are you?” or “How’s Keira?” I don’t know if you’re just being
polite, or if you are interested to know about how I haven’t been sleeping well
lately, or that I’m feeling bogged down by the minutiae of K’s therapies. Ask
me what it’s like. What I need. How things have changed. How you can be
involved.
6. Tell me about you.
I do not want my world to close in and be
narrow. In fact, I fear that. I want to hear what’s happening in your life. Too
many friends resist telling me their news because “it’s nothing compared to
what you’re going through.” Nah. It’s all relative. I mean that. The only way
that I’m going to be annoyed about hearing the details of your most recent
drama at work is if you express no interest in my life in return.
7. Don’t forget the family.
Parents, spouses, and children are our
go-to people. They are working overtime to bring us back to homeostasis. Ask how
they are. Offer to help them. Realize they are affected, too.
8. In regards to what to say/send/give, if
it’s from your heart, do it.
What matters is that you’re sincere. You can
never know what state of mind your friend is going to be in when he/she
receives your gift or your words, but the effort itself means so much. For
example, a cliché statement such as “blessing in disguise” could feel
profoundly beautiful or disgustingly Pollyannaish, depending on the day. But
the fact that you stepped into my world in whatever way you could is valuable.
Your turn. Please jump in. Repost this if you think it would be of interest to anyone you know. I know many of you who read my
blog have experienced your own tragedies: injury, stroke, death in the family,
miscarriage, etc. etc. Some of you may really disagree with my conclusions or
you may have things to add. I want to hear it. What has helped you? What has
not?
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