The Wall

I stayed with Keira at the hospital last night. I felt pretty helpless. Her cry was silent, so it wasn't enough to wake me or alert the nurses. Therefore, I was up much of the night. She was upset and crying most of the time and was difficult to soothe. The "spaghetti" (her many many medical cords and wires) make her difficult to hold and cuddle. The withdrawal from medications makes her cranky. The nurses were avoiding giving her medication to make her more comfortable because that would lengthen the weaning process. I felt pretty useless. When they came to do her respiratory therapy, I had to leave the unit. I felt exhausted and sick and almost came home in the middle of the night.

This morning I didn't want to get out of bed. I thought about staying home alone, all day. I didn't want to make any decisions. However, I quickly recognized that this is an old pattern that I've been trying to avoid, so I promised myself I would blog about this impulse before the end of the day. I realize, too, that I'm entitled to feel like shutting down and that it makes a lot of sense, actually, that I'd start falling apart as soon as K was starting to feel better. I let myself sleep until 1 pm.

When I called my mom, she told me that K had had such a happy morning! She'd been awake and playful, smiling at Lovey, and eating from the bottle. She was even trying to reach for the stuffed animal with her hand. This is amazing to me. She seems to be developmentally picking up right where she left off. I didn't dare to hope for that.

When Jeff and I finally got over to the hospital, Keira's smiles had run out. She'd had several visitors, gotten really overwhelmed, and become very upset. What was I thinking telling all of you to come visit whenever?? Even though she's feeling better, this is still the baby that gets so overwhelmed by stimulation that it sets her back. So, from here on out, let me know when you want to come to the hospital and I'll make sure it doesn't get to busy in Keira's room.

Keira eventually calmed down and I got to see her lovely smile. She was completely off the oxygen today. The doctor and nurses can't believe how well she's doing. They anticipate that she will move to the pediatric unit tomorrow and may go home in just a few days. She has to be taking all of her food on her own, stay off the oxygen, and be completely detoxed from her meds. We'll also have to be sure that there isn't too much residual gunk in her chest (although, she's starting to get an idea of how to cough, too!).

Jeff and I went to dinner with good friends. So, at the end of the day, yes, I hit a wall. But it was one of those walls that's pretty easy to climb over because some of the bricks are artfully sticking out enough so that you can get a foothold.

Here are the smiles you've been waiting for.