A few things have been brought to my attention lately that have taken some wind from my sails.
Pregnant friends. I've had several friends become pregnant recently and subsequently consulted me about CMV. (How do I protect myself? Do I need to get tested? What should I ask my doctor?) I'm happy to be a source of information and support. However, I've found it upsetting how little OBs (it wasn't just mine) know about CMV. This frustrated me more than I anticipated, seeing that I was already well aware that physicians are under informed about this. I guess the kicker, though, was that one doctor actually suggested that the friend not see me anymore until after the baby is born since I'm obviously a carrier of CMV. This came too close to home. Now it's personal. It's discriminatory. Most of all, it's incorrect! This person is more likely to contract CMV from her own children than from me. Ugh!
Tons of appointments. Between this and that, K has had 4-6 appointments per week recently. On top of that, since she's had a cold and whatnot, she's been refusing to be put down for the most part. I'm able to do what I need to do for her, but it's a little knife in my gut every time I tell Ro that I can't play catch right now or Liam that he can't have a friend over today. This is not to mention that work is often slipping in terms of the ranks of priority. It seems that just when I'm feeling energized and caught up, K opens another chapter of more intensive needs. Jeff and I have considered the idea of me stopping work altogether, but I don't know that I'm ready to give that up yet.
Mommy knows best. We've all heard that phrase before. In recent weeks, the reality of this statement has rung so true.
However, rather than being empowering, it canotes a feeling of isolation, as if the safety net beneath me has some holes in it. I guess I would like to think that if K is in trouble, I could hand her over to a doctor and he/she would fix it. And though I surely don't have the medical training of a doctor or nurse. I do, however, know how to read my daughter's signals (they all think she's sleeping), and am aware of all of her conditions, in order of what is most concerning, along with her treatments and complicating factors. Her bedroom has it's fair share of medical supplies and equipment and I'm not squeamish about using it. We've spent enough time in doctors offices and hospitals that I think I'm more or less aware of the limits of what can be done. Much of what they do, I can do at home, and I'm much more equipped than your average nurse that walks in, to know how K is doing at first glance. When you're a healthy person, it seems that medicine has an infinite number of options, should you get sick. It's a little disparaging, I suppose, to enter into the place where that just isn't true. I had one experience recently, that really drive home the Ida that Mommy knows best and had me feeling a little let down. Keira had her NG tube in and she got a cold. As it goes, she struggled to breath, so we had an ER visit. Two days later we visited her pediatrician. That afternoon, as Keira was snorting and coughing, I wondered if we should just take the tube out until she was better to help her breath. So I called the GI, who replied, "Absolutely! That's a great idea!" And so, I removed the tube and she had much less obstruction. "Why," I wondered, "did that have to be my idea? We saw two doctors in the past three days! Why didn't they suggest it?" Put simply, I know best.
Compulsive coping. I stand here alone with Keira in the recovery room. It's nobody's fault but my own that I'm here by myself. After waiting two days for the GI doc to call, I spoke with him on Wednesday and when he offered a Friday surgery, I snatched up the opportunity. Jeff had a couple of appointments he could not reschedule. I really should have just scheduled it for next week. The G tube is necessary, but not an emergency. I'm seeing that when things are going on that make me feel out of control, I lunge for things I feel like I can do. Generally, this happens in things associated with K...if something can be done, let's do it NOW. The subtext is so I can feel like a good mom. This would explain why last night, I agreed to do a promotional event for the business and was scurrying to pull together items for the Moppett Toggs consignment sale. So not important in the grand scheme of things, but I accomplished something! Sigh. Keeping busy isn't always a bad way to cope, but it is when I'm busy at the expense of more important things.
K's out of surgery. Sleeping peacefully. We're waiting to go up to her room. Probably be here until Sunday.
Love to all of you!
As a nurse, I can tell you that any nurse/doctor worth their salt KNOWS beyond a shadow of a doubt that NO ONE knows your daughter as well as you do. A good nurse will do their best to relieve you of as much of the responsibility as possible when you are in the hospital, but they will also defer to your expertise when they need to know how she is doing as compared to her norm. You are a great mommy. K is blessed to have you.
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