Three weeks later, she is gaining weight and has blossomed back to her old self. An untrained eye might not notice the difference, but Keira is once again quick to laugh, working so, so hard in therapy, and is able to sit on her own for a few minutes at a time with becoming overwhelmed. If you wait and watch, Keira is very communicative. I was once again reminded and so pleasantly surprised by watching her interact with her feeding therapist yesterday. Through her eyes, sounds, smile, and gestures she communicates, "Yes, I'd love too; Let's play ball; I want more; I choose red jello over vanilla pudding; No, I'm not ready; I'm ready now; I don't like that; Mom, did you see that?; I'm so proud;This is fun; That's disgusting; I'd really rather not; Fine, just once more; I'm too tired." In fact, right now, she's crying the how-dare-you-put-me-to-bed cry. It's so exciting to see her personality once again.
Last weekend we ventured out and went to the local pumpkin patch as a family. With the expected crowd and temperatures near 90, I was pretty sure that taking Keira was a bad idea, but I'm so glad we did. Keira, as usual, just loved being together as a whole family. But beyond that, she was able to "play" in the corn box (a giant box, like a sand box, filled with dry corn), which she loved. She took her first ride on a pony (with Jeff supporting her), which she loved. And she ate some nacho cheese, which she wasn't so sure about.
Keira is still vomiting nightly. I guess that's not normal. After consulting with the pulmonologist, ENT, GI, and plastic surgeon (really!), it looks like we're going to do an endoscopy soon to check things out. We'll look at the status of her fundoplication and see if she has an ulcer or something else causing irritation. We also have an appointment next week to see a physiatrist. I'd never heard of that particular specialist before, but I think that after that, we will have seen them all. (However, I did recently hear of a specialist in pediatric gynecology. You'd never heard of that, either, had you? Hopefully, we won't need that one). Anyhow, the physiatrist will monitor whether Keira needs any medical intervention for her muscle spasms/weakness/tension.
Our business recently celebrated its 5th anniversary. It really is thriving, for which we are very thankful. However, Jeff is currently a managing partner and has a lot of responsibility there beyond his client load. In the last couple of weeks, his duties have multiplied in response to several different situations. Early mornings. Late nights. Long weekends. It hasn't been easy.
The boys are doing awesome. I worry about them and how they respond to inevitability that Keira's needs often take precedence over theirs. But they are exceptional. Liam, always my observant and sensitive one, is becoming so mature. He has blossomed with his new fiddle instructor. His 4th grade teacher has helped him to feel competent and confident. Flag football is teaching him the value of persistence, effort, and sportsmanship. Liam can pack K's diaper bag for me and never complains when our plans are interrupted by her needs.
Ronin, my guy who will argue about the color of the sky, is becoming more and more thoughtful and sympathetic. He follows instructions readily (Finally!) and is eager to learn. He's taking good care of the little fish tank that was recently installed in his room and cannot get enough when it comes to learning about fish and animals lately. Ronin always makes a point to greet Keira when he gets home from school and his energetic hellos usually get a cackle out of her. I've got to say that I'm also so incredibly thankful that my boys have been choosing such wonderful friends. They are good boys with lovely mothers who have also become my helpers, friends, and confidents.
I'm anxious a lot of the time lately. My heart pounds. I can't sit still. I don't want to answer the phone. My to-do list grows. I can't keep my thoughts straight. I do jigsaw puzzles and try to take deep breaths. I know I'm not alone in this. Anxiety is the plague of our society. It's the result of unattainable expectations that we create and perpetuate by trying to be everything to everyone all the time. I can't do it and neither can you.
The concept of gratitude is something that has been a topic of conversations in several of my circles lately. I'm working on it. Gratitude is about recognizing what you have. Not just when it's excellent. Not when it's above and beyond. But even when things are just good enough. In our consumeristic culture, we feel entitled to having people hold up their end of the deal/bargain/contract. This isn't bad, in itself, but when we expect things to always be tit for tat, it strips away our gratitude for what is given to us on a daily basis. We don't think to be grateful that our car started, the mail was delivered, or our friend meets us for coffee, though we are quite readily displeased if any of those fail. When we are grateful, we are focused on the here and now, leaving less room for the anxiety that comes with regretting the past and fretting the future.
Humans are notoriously bad at being grateful. Our pastor recently reminded us about the Israelites (in Exodus), who were delivered FROM SLAVERY, only to promptly start whining and complaining that the food in the desert (though nutritious and plentiful) wasn't tasty or varied enough for their liking. Ugh. Please don't let me be that guy!
I'm grateful that all 5 of us our safe and warm in our beds each night. I'm grateful for people who are concerned and patient enough to help me get what I need for Keira. I'm grateful for Keira's smile. I'm grateful for my husband's love and loyalty and passion. I'm grateful for teachers who show up to teach elementary school because they love the kids. I'm grateful, and always will be grateful for our vast community of support.
