All By Myself

So, I’ve always liked to be independent. Having Keira has taught me a lot about how to rely on others, but I’ve got to say that having my mom away for the week has been a little bit exhilarating. I was a little impressed with myself regarding how much I was able to do….all by myself.

I did 90% of the dishes (though we ate out 60% of the time).I did 100% of the laundry (even folded 10%).I worked at the office for half a day (instead of 2).K was sick and so was I. But we managed.
We attended to appointments for Keira (a slow week). I vacuumed (upstairs).I took out the trash (and even brought the trash cans back in).I made the kids a special Halloween breakfast and took them trick or treating.I mostly kept my cool (I only yelled at the kids a couple more times than usual)

Wow, that didn’t end up looking much like a brag sheet did it? It’s true, I can get by on my own, but it’s a heck of a lot better having an assistant. I’m sure Jeff would second that. I hung in there this week, but Jeff didn’t get much attention. When he darkened the doorway, it was pretty much, “You’re home! Goodnight.” 

All that aside, having Mom away reiterated to me what I already knew. Having her keeping me and K company most days saves me from myself. Spending hours and hours home alone with K is hard for me. Maybe it would get better over time, but I felt this week like I was bathing in the fact that she can’t do much. She’s not progressing very much. And there’s not much I can do about it.Wednesday was a particularly hard day when the therapist seemed to rub salt in that fact. 

She started out with, “What progress has she made since I last saw her?” Uhhh….

Then she asked me to bring her a toy to motivate K to lift up her head. Umm….(Later, I thought causticly, “What can I put in front of you to make you sprout wings?”)

Then she told K, “You need to do some of the work. I don’t want to have to hold you up like a rag doll.” Sigh.

I feel like this particular therapist is losing hope and doesn’t know what more to do for K. That’s depressing. 

But that wasn’t all. Then she told me that she wants to make sure we keep in touch, even after she isn’t working with K anymore. She proceeded to tell me that she recently found out that one of her former clients had died. She should have stopped talking. Then she tells me this client was 5. She couldn’t walk or talk or do anything for herself, but man did she have personality. Man was she happy. “But it’s probably for the best so she doesn’t have to suffer anymore.” 

Seriously? You’re going to say that to me?

And then. And then. Yah, there’s more. Then, she starts telling me about how I need to register for another program that will provide funds for additional services and equipment. I told her I decided I didn’t want to do that yet. She kept going. 

Relayed message: “Bekah, you should be doing more for Keira. You aren’t doing enough!” Of course, she didn’t say that. She probably didn’t even mean it. Probably she’s trying to be helpful and is grasping at straws cause she’s at a loss. I know all that. But it still sucked.

Mom, I’m glad you’re headed home. Thanks for all you do for us.